where it is now..?

Assalamualaikum..


I am changing... so much that I've forgetten where I placed myself now. Like a broken puzzle I am now.. arh.. and do believe me now.. that I am crying as I'm typing this.

I am never strong.. I just numbed myself all the way through.. and when just now I looked through my entrries archieves.. I found a slide of pictures when we had our excursion. I've.............. found all the feelings that I needed to feel and all the words that I've always wanted to say.

I cant just say I miss YOU.. all of you.

I'm.................. not myself.


can I be any more cruel to myself than this..? how did I locked up all the feelings and only numbed myself from all these..?






Said Umar: "For a servant of God, there is nothing sweeter than the swallowing of his own anger. Niether milk nor Honey can be compared to it." (Ahmad, Musnad)


yes I remember it... and I am still in process of practicing it.





and Yes.. Everyday.. is just about..

how I have to fight my own laziness to go to school.. to go to work..

how I have to keep up with words of the painful humans around me.. but still.. they are one kind of a pain that I love.. and I will most definately miss them when I leave this place.. and it's a memorable pain. So I dont mind this pain at all.

how I would question so many things that dont have the answers.

and No.. my everyday is not boring.. because it's always filled with either things that I've always wanted to do.. but it's beyond my time..so they'd be delayed till the next day and the day after and the time after and the time after after after... or simply things that keep me busy. SO.. nope.. Ummi, aba.. it's not boring, my life is not boring here or inSinagpore.



Return to your oldself zaida!!.. who are u now!? did u lose a screw from ur head??..








arh and I have this frustrating URGE to put up this Sms received; that made me smile till Mahmood (my student) looked at me with a BIG question mark..


"Sesaat pertemuan menitik perkenalan, Seminit perkenalan menerbit kemesraan, Sejam kemesraan meneguhkan persahabatan, Sehari persahabatan akan selamanya dlm ingatan".



Maybe from this entry.. One could conclude that I have lost my mind.

one time she'd be crying.. then she'd be smiling again.. then she'd keeps quiet but suddenly turns into a loudspeaker.. then she'd .. arh that's her anyway.. mood swings up and down .. it's only how one would react to her move everyday.. and how she'd TRY to control the swing.

and Yeah.. I am just randomly talking to myself. Keyboard has always been my best 'Listener'. This is it.. this is way I know I wont bore and hurt others.. and could happily express myself.

RINDU LARH SEY!

arh home.. I miss u..


yana.......... kai............. NI......................................................... wooooooooooooooonn...

MIss ALL OF U!!.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..







ok.. an entry dedicated to those I've been missing. though I dont know what exctly to say.. but I do miss all of u..

been struck with this virus called "speechless-ness".. sorry abt that. i've yet to find the antidote.









canner terok korang miss aku dgn fathanah....... LAGI TEROK AKU KAT SINI RINDU KORANG!..






RINDU LARH SEY!!

sidEs of Me

Ah...

now I see how Ugly I am

and How much trouble I caused

When I'm Down..

And Weak.



Sorry..

but That's Just how The weather IS like..

Sometimes It's Sunny.. but At times.. It's cloudy..








now here's a secret..





I've always admired mom.. but I never said it to her.. or anyone.

Because of the strength in her is so strong.. even in her sweet snore.

I dont know how to she does it..

But I'm trying now.. to be as strong as her.

And Aba.. U are just as great.. but I'm Lady (insya'Allah)..so my model has to match myself right?..


tak kuat pn tkpe.. action kuat pn jadi!


and here's another secret



I will always have those caring people around me to get me back on my feet.. Hamdanlillah.

sweet words from the mates(even if it's just a note left on the desk when I'm sleeping or away), abrupt and instant powerful SMS from homE,... and even.. the nice little chat on the way home.



these are some of the sweet little things to cheer my mood..

I'll never say I need it..

but when it comes..

It becomes addictive.




wouldn't it?

I am left with only the keyboard and myself to talk to..

I'll turn insane soon..

but I have to free my chest from all these misery.



Even the Most lenient word wont able to reach..

I am left speechless..

could only watch .. and expect something to come soon.


what power do I have..

to control their freedom of expression..?


who cares how I feel or think..

Do just what u want please..



just when the day comes..

I hope I can still forgive.. if not forget.






Anger.. I thought was sweet..

but now It's stuck on my throat..

and It's so bitter now.






I'll be home, dear.. soon. dont think of not seeing me please. I have to see you.. all of you even if I breathe my last tomorrow.

I miss you.. please dont forget me here.

knowing them..

has opened a new world for me..

something I never expected.




and because of this..

I dont know..

if this is a bless..

or a pain.


I am trying my best

very very best

to the point of forcing myself..

to view everything at the POSITIVE side.



Husn Zann.. is what I always remind myself.

Never to have any bad assumption on anyone..

no matter how much or little I know..

regarless of how much or little I see with my own eyes.

Husn Zann.. Husn Zann.. Husn Zann.


Listening to Jay Chou's voice now..

reminds me of how happy I was back then.

arh.. what change now I'm going through.

Allah..

Guide me.

Help me.

Do Calm my frantic self.

Kepenatan yg ku alami setiap hari,

takkan ku siakan dan lepaskan setakat dgn lena beradu..

akan ku capai harapan ku dari setiap tapak jalan ku..

akan ku cari kemanisan hidup dari setiap duri yg ku pijak..



Dari Kesusahan yg ku alami di jalan ini..

akan ku ajarkan nafsu ku Kesabaran

akan ku kuatkan diri ku dlm Keimanan.

Here is my say..

I've been trying to pretend as if nothing happened..

I've been trying to hide whatever I've been feeling..

I've been trying not to show anything from my words and actions..

coz we still have such a long way to go.

All I want is for us to keep focus of whatever we want to achieve first.


Feeling isnt a game.. I know.. and so iS Life and Future and Friendship.


Ya Allah.. kau lebih mengetahui.. lebih berkuasa. Ku Tawakkal segalanya pada kuasa mu.. Jika Dia adalah yg sebenarnya untkku.. tetapkan Hatinya dan Kuatkanlah Dia dlm keimanan kepada Mu.